Archive for category the bad

little oceans

misplaced priority and
a rushed moment
collide
leaving behind little oceans
as big as my entire heart

we are drawn to happiness.
anything else rarely results in learning
unless we aim to teach avoidance.
especially in a child.

more little oceans form.
entire seas
requiring nail upon bitten nail,
lip upon pulled lip,
and every waking moment
until I see her smiling face again
to dry them up.

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two opposing lessons

I’m realizing now, more than ever, that I have a really hard time simply asking for what I want.

I’m not the kind of person to blame my own faults on past circumstances, but it does help to go over what might have reinforced bad thinking.

I’ve always had low self-esteem. Slowly, in one life area at a time, that’s getting better. But this personal stuff (friends, love, sex, etc), that’s still the last part to go.

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the breaking point

Most people that know me don’t know the side of me that absolutely breaks down in a stressful situation. That’s because it doesn’t happen in every stressful situation. In fact, I’m really good under pressure. But in certain cases, on certain days, in certain situations, I lose it. I become a bad friend, a bad father, and a terrible person. I remain on the edge of frustration long after it happens.

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the eyes of a child

I am almost always ready for anything. I adapt quickly, I learn fast, I roll with the punches, I make the best out of every situation, and I can have fun doing almost anything. The downside to that, however, is as severe as Kryptonite is to Superman: when I’m out, I’m really really OUT.

One of the biggest benefits of having a partner, especially when children are involved, is being able to “tag out” of something when the situation becomes too complicated or poorly-matched to your strong suits. And I don’t mean partner as in “spouse”. I mean any kind of person who is regularly around, chooses to be a part of your life, intermingles their life with yours, and takes an active interest in the well being and happiness of you and those that you care about.

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Pulling out the Thorn

Friday night I made a giant leap toward making life better for my daughter and I. My expectations for a specific relationship on our lives was set far too high. Not higher than they should be. Not even close. But higher than reality supported. Higher than they would meet, despite constant confirmation that they would. On top of that, I was carrying the relationship on my end as though it was what I wanted on both sides.

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expectations

where it settles

where it settles

My expectations continue to let me down. I am learning that the difference between what I expect and what really occurs often equates to the level of my frustration or, as I learn to manage it, simple disappointment.

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postponing overwhelm

another tunnel

another tunnel

I’ve been tricking myself lately. Surprisingly, it’s been working, but I’m not sure for how much longer.

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a waste

the longest field

the longest field

It’s 4:00am and my alarm is ringing. I usually wake up naturally no later than 5. But not today. Not any more. I fumble with it, no longer used to it’s buttons and switches, and eventually silence it. I take a deep breath and look at the clock again. It’s 4:02am.

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awake alone

Most nights, the easiest way for both of us to get my daughter to sleep is to lay down in bed next to her. We’ll read a book, then turn out the light and sing a few songs. Then we take a deep breath and relax into sleep.

It’s so comfortable that, usually, I end up falling asleep myself. Which means that I tend to be up at odd hours of the night and for most of the morning.

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deep unrest

wandering woods

wandering woods

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