Given my current circumstances it isn’t out of the ordinary that I’ve been thinking a lot about women and dating. I realized over the weekend that there are really only two big things that need to be in place for two people to work, and those two things have to go both ways.
So, in all, that’s four criteria. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is. I have to feel like you give as much as I give and I have to like who you are. That’s all there is to it. Two questions — Do I like who you are? Will you give as much as I’ll give? — asked to two people. And we need four answers of “yes”.
I’ve dated women that I really liked. I liked how they looked. I liked what they were into. I liked their outlook on life. I liked their thoughts on children and marriage and cohabitation. But, ultimately, I realized the relationship would never be fair. I would always give more, worry more, work more, clean more, do more, take care of more… and for all of that more, I would be left feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. And that’s just no way to live. I’ve become so accustomed to this being the case, in fact, that, perhaps unfairly, it ends up being one of the first things that get tested.
There are other women I’ve dated that I knew would always be by my side. They would take care of everything that needed caring for, pick up any slack I left, and that any thing they said they would do, they would do their absolute best on. But, I didn’t like who they were. They were preoccupied with material things. Or not very forth coming and honest. Or compelled to lie about something instead of dealing with the discussion that might follow the truth. This doesn’t happen very often, though. I’m good at reading who people are. I’m good at seeing between the lines. I’m good at understanding what I’m getting into before I get into it. So, more often that not, if it’s someone I’ll ultimately not like, then I probably didn’t get involved in the first place.
On the rare case that my side of things both saw a “yes”, I still have to pass the same tests for her. I don’t think too many times any of it had to do with me not being giving enough, since that tends to be my virtue to a fault. But I’m sure it could be felt that way if you pick apart exactly what is being given, which would be a fair thing to do. But, I think in most cases the women I’ve dated ultimately didn’t like who I was. But it’s not quite that simple.
It wasn’t that they didn’t like me. They just didn’t like ALL of me. I could see it in their eyes, flipping the situation over and over, trying to get a better angle. Because they loved the idea of me. I’m generous and kind and mostly stable. But I’m also a bit crazy and exciting. I pick up the slack. I make hard things easy. I don’t hold grudges. I live to live. I’m good with kids. I make good money. I know how to party. I’m not bad to look at. I can hold my own in bed. I know a little bit of everything. I get a lot of things right. And so I’d see them trying to find ways to bury the handful of things they didn’t like about me somewhere inside of all of my good things. But it never worked. We’d get through a week — a good week — and then one of those little things would pop up again and it’d all come crashing down. Eventually, one of us would give up for all the fighting and we’d part ways.
I don’t mean to say I didn’t do my share of burying the bad things I’ve seen in other people too. Every now and then, something unseen at first will creep into view and, because there is so much I already like about someone, it’s just makes sense to throw it back where it came from and hope it never comes back. But it does. It always does. And when it does, that when I find the most growth in myself. One of two things happens.
I either decide that the part of me that doesn’t like that part of her is so fundamental to who I am that there’s no point in continuing. And then that’s that. I get a stronger sense of who I am and life gets a little less complicated.
Or, I realize that I’m being foolish. That this thing I don’t like is meaningless. And I change myself to be more tolerant of it. And in those cases, I become more open, more passionate, more understand, and a better person all around.
I think the thing that generates the most heartache for people as they go through these same four questions over and over in their own lives is their inability to act when they see something they don’t like. They don’t hold themselves strong and say “I don’t like this, and it’s important, so I’m gone.” They don’t change themselves and say “maybe I need to learn to accept this.” Instead they say “it’ll go away”, or worse, “maybe I can change him and make it go away.” But it never does because it’s part of who I am and it’s not being addressed. Inside them there’s this little voice trying very hard not to be heard for fear that they’ll ruin something they think is amazing that isn’t actually working out for them at all.