I’m realizing now, more than ever, that I have a really hard time simply asking for what I want.
I’m not the kind of person to blame my own faults on past circumstances, but it does help to go over what might have reinforced bad thinking.
I’ve always had low self-esteem. Slowly, in one life area at a time, that’s getting better. But this personal stuff (friends, love, sex, etc), that’s still the last part to go.
It also doesn’t help that many of the times I’ve been very open about what I wanted it didn’t end well.
One time was met with “you’re moving too fast, emotionally. Let’s just have sex.” Another was met with “I’m not really ready for a relationship.” To which I said, “I’m not asking for a relationship, I just thought we could go out.” To which she said, “so we’re good then.” A third said, “I love you, but I don’t love you like that.” And then shortly afterward, she began seeing her ex boyfriend again. A fourth has been very honest, very straightforward, yet very hung up on someone else. Another was willing to give me anything, as long as I asked for it directly and rarely on her own accord.
I’m not blaming anyone. It’s not like I want anyone to lie to me and give me what I want just because I want it. That’s not fair and, ultimately, not what I want at all.
But now I find I’m genuinely afraid to full put myself out there unless I see that the other person is doing the same. And, if they can’t or won’t for whatever reason, until I make the first step, then we’re in this constant lock where I take one step and then expect one in return, which isn’t at all fair.
So I’m trying to learn to be all of myself openly. I’m learning to put what I want out there with complete disregard for the “rules”. I’m learning to make what I want known, to not expect to receive it just because I want it, and to be okay with not getting it.
But, at the same time, in direct conflict, I’m also learning to pace myself. To understand that, even though my heart is often ready to make big leaps, other people need to take baby steps. I’m learning that everyone else has their quirks and baggage and that, more often than not, letting all the secrets go up front scares people away.
And trying to learn both of these things at the same time is confusing. And overly complicated. And just fucking stupid. at times. It’s hard. And it hurts. And it brings me back to my initial theory that, perhaps, I just need to maintain three different versions of me.