Yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary.
We’ve been separated for over a year. We’ll likely be no longer married within a month or two. I never wanted to split up in the first place, not because of my wife, but because of the commitment we made and because of my child. Despite all of this, I still had cause to celebrate.
My daughter and I spent the afternoon at the park with a friend. We went down slides. We ran across picnic tables. We even waded in the lake. Then we went home, made a quick dinner, then ate it on the balcony as the sun set. We played games, got into our PJs, had a snack, and went to bed. It was the perfect days-end filled with wonderful people and, best of all, my daughter.
I imagine I should be upset, or angry, or remorseful, or at least sad. But I’m not. My current relationship with my spouse is rarely pleasant though mostly tolerable. However, I still consider this day, seven years ago, as the second best day of my short life. Without it, not only would I not have my daughter, but I would not have the personal growth, the love, the understanding, the compassion and the priorities that have come with a child. I am a better person now than I was with my wife. I might even be a better person than I was before her. I’m happier. I’m more at peace. I’m more gracious. I love life more. And I love myself more.
It seems strangely fitting that on this day of all days my daughter and I would wade into cold, cold water and come out somehow better than we were before. A baptism of sorts. A rebirth.
So here’s to moving on. Well sort of.
Last night I had a dream that I was living in a house with another family that I loved dearly. I had quit my job to care for my child and we were so poor we couldn’t even afford curtains for the back windows, which was fine since they overlooked a large beautiful field. Perhaps to some this may seem like a nightmare already, but, truly, I loved living that way.
In my dream a got a phone call from my wife’s current boyfriend. He called to ask if we could talk. I told him that I had a full house of people and that now was not a good time. As I said these words I noticed him standing out in the field behind our house. My wife was with him.
One-by-one, beginning with my wife and ending with the first girl I ever slept with, every girlfriend or close female friend I’ve ever had came into that field to have sex with my wife’s boyfriend. Not all of them, but many of them, called me as they were doing so to tell me how much I meant to them, either now, or when we were together.
The father of the family I lived with and I sat in the living room looking out into the field and just waited for them all to go away, a bittersweet moment for me as I was seeing the people I loved the most in this world, yet was watching their lives destroyed in front of me.
One big question I still haven’t found the answer to is, what do I do with my wedding ring?