Amorphous

Some mornings, just after I wake up and I pass through the bathroom, I stop for a second and look in the mirror. As I stand there I think, I am who I am. Some of me is good, some of me could use some work, but the whole thing is one package, ever changing, and yet constant in structure. A single thing that can either be accepted or rejected. This is good and right.

Occasionally, though,the pressure to be something to everyone becomes overwhelming. Something clicks somewhere in my brain and I get the idea that I can and should change myself to suit other people. Or, more often, that I can let people pick and choose which parts of me they like and I’ll check the rest at the door until they’re done with me. They want my kind heart and my generosity but not my insecurities or my need for reassurance. They want my attention, my praise, and my flattery, but they don’t want my sexuality or my desire for reciprocation. They want my knowledge and my attention to detail, but they don’t want my need for assistance. In my moments of clarity I realize this is wrong. But in those moments in between, my desire to please is so strong that it often seems plausible.

I told my mom about some family photos I saw on Facebook and she said “I want to see them!” So I told her to sign up for Facebook. She resisted. I told her that all of her children, two of her siblings, several of her nieces and nephews, many of her friends, and even some of her grandchildren were there. Still she said, “no”. She said she didn’t want to be that close to the details of any of our lives. She said she didn’t mind seeing the photos and hearing the happy stuff, but if it meant she had to hear the sad stuff too, she wasn’t interested.

But it doesn’t work that way. You can’t take the good without the bad. You can’t have the paycheck without the work. You can’t sky dive without taking the plane ride up and making that jump. You can’t have the sugar without the calories. You can’t have trust without being dependable. You can’t increase your base metabolism without making some movement. You can’t have the blessing of a child without the work to raise it.

I make progress every day toward making the negative aspects of me less negative and the positive aspects more positive. But, sometimes, without understanding the whole you can’t understand the parts. Often, what appears to be a negative, isn’t and what seems to be positive, is certainly not so.  I will never be perfect. In that very aspects lies the heart of what it is to be human — the constant desire to change. I am a work in progress. I am a pyramid without a capstone. I can be accepted as I am, or rejected in full.