I’m the kind of guy that gets an overwhelming urge to back out at the last minute.
I’m 100% present for the planning, the preparation, and whatever is required before hand for any event, gathering, party, or project. Once things get going I’m usually glad that I did it, enjoy myself, and work toward being 100% present in that moment.
However, that tiny moment in between preparing and yet before actually doing I regularly get cold feet. There is just some overwhelming fear of failure, social interaction, and awkwardness that consumes me and I find myself looking for excuses to back out.
Last night I made plans to attend a body painting event and photograph the art. I was very excited to go, adjusted my schedule to make it happen, told people I was coming, invited others to come with me, packed all my gear, and was ready to go on time. Then I found reason after reason to stall, delay, postpone, and back out.
Ultimately I went — an hour late, but I went. And I am so very glad that I did. Despite all of my fears, it was not awkward, I was welcomed with open arms, I got lots of good hugs, and made some amazing photographs.
Three years ago I started a photography project. I planned the project, worked out all the details and was ready to go. Then I stalled a bit, reluctant to announce it, find models, and make it happen. But, eventually, I got over that hump.
15 or more people arrived in my studio day after day to photograph for the project. Every face met mine with excitement and eagerness to see a result. Once all the photographs were taken, I stalled again. Again those feelings of awkwardness, and failure, and social stigmas creep up inside me. I just can’t move past it. Can’t bring myself to let the project become a full reality.
That was three years ago. The project is still unfinished and unpublished.
In bouts of clarity and personal honesty I wonder how much enjoyment I’m missing by not sharing this project and allowing myself to fully begin the next big thing.
Comments are closed.